it feels so lost
like a deep memory
of a place
I almost remember
a deep hunger
for home for someones arms
a desire unfulfilled
I put the words on paper
let them get hot enough
to turn to ash
an idle wistful dream
drifts off out of reach.
I held happiness for a moment
Happiness
sorely missing now
but that moment
was exquisite.
So exquisite and.
So perfectly lost

Judith A. Sears
08/21/2018

Swearing at Rainbows

being ineffable, overwhelming and just shy of breathtaking
I’ve kept a splendid sun in an oaken cabinet
the great yellow fiery orb, mine all sparkly and bright
I didn’t share it willingly, it was out of my control
I like to exclude others from its light
however it seeped out of its drawer
(the chest formerly a great oak tree)
occasionally ending gloom for the curious multitude
walking on a white sand beach, hot and slick, melting ice
I wished it would rain sealing the chest of drawers with clouds
and distracting streaks of lightening and sounds of thunder
and soft fucking rainbows just to confuse things
just know that I’m working on trapping the moon
in a large basket sifting away all that dust
letting it rattle around with Io and the unnamed moons of Jupiter
I am what stood on the edge of day in the shade of that old oak tree
dark and foreboding wearing a jacket of stars
lurking on the dark side of Earth
I swear without apology
mostly about the results of light penetrating prisms
felled oat trees and long hot summer days.

Judith A. Sears
©08/14/2018

Written from the POV of night. She’s color blind thus she has no appreciation for rainbows. She is also naive and has little understanding of day beyond the edge of dark.
I empathize with her feelings about felled oak trees and often swear on long hot summer days myself.
Yes I swear, get over it. jas

,,,you know I’m never going to tell anyone this
so you are sworn to keep my secret
I’m not sure you understand the importance of your silence
just know that little bits of me are scattered
in the words & music of this song
I heard it and it touched me
like the very tune of it and every poignant lyric
knew me for the frightened, beaten person I was
& that song encouraged me to go out anyway
& go everywhere & just be me
it made me ignore what I’d feared
made me courageous, made me question
who is going to be me if not me
& just maybe someone would over look how I look
& see past me being alone & bother to know me because
I am worthy to be known, that song told me so
& it didn’t matter if no one heard the song but me
or considered me if they did happen to hear it or sing it
what mattered is the song made me brave
made me face a world I had hidden from
still trembling from that first soft & timid thought
a new confidence peeking out of the old shame
I could lift my eyes and let a smile touch my face
& the reason is that song and how right it had been
about the real world and how I could fit in as I am.

Judith A Sears
©08/07/2018

Thank you to songwriters Justin Paul and Benj Pasek for the song “This Is Me” from the movie “The Greatest Showman”
I heard Keala Settle sing it, just as I needed to hear it,
right before I needed to step out of my comfort zone.
Thankfully millions have also heard it and been blessed. jas

Black Bird
spread his wings
he’d bow he’d dance
with his own reflection
so irresistible to him
so fascinating
he’d caw calling
his elusive friend in the glass
hops tempting to fly
fly high yet in sight
floating on heat currents
lazy lonely circles
but he always returns
to seek more
from his image
in my window
wanting it to be a real
true love
wanting to hear
the silent returning caw

jas

I love black birds, crows and ravens.
They are intelligent and seem so wise
but really they are innocent
wanting mostly friendship
with others of their kind
so much so that they see
their own reflection
as a possible friend to flirt with
and tempt to love
to talk and fly.

Judith A. Sears
©07/07/2018

Oh how I wish I could sing in a choir-worthy voice
I’d sing about my Earth, solemn and slow
I’d find a rhythm matching the flight of birds
in the sky, majestic and tall
trees with summer leaves waving
branches raised like everyone should dance
as I sang to them, drenched in a fine rain
clean so clean, in a morning concert
where timpani makes a little thunder
I’d sing in a wet voice
so many tears before the sun will show
the melody messes with the drama
I wish I could sing a lavish song
about a love that left me alone
a solo cantata, my thin voice
pure and unwavering drawing an image
of anguish that fades with comfort
to be a clear song of solace
blending with hopes harmony
a tiny tune of some larger rapture
I’d invite you to sing along
my solo, our duet and a choir
to finish it off and bring us home.

Judith A. Sears
©07/21/2018

…sometimes in the morning – it will be raining and I will sing and wish that I sounded better – but there is no one to hear me – so it doesn’t really matter much – the dog doesn’t care and I have my bedside book and my pen and my hands are steady enough to write today – so after an edit this was the result. (see image below for the handwritten/unedited original) (This mornings song “Brothers (or Bratja)” from Fullmetal Achemist (don’t judge me. I love anime)) jas